Landmark and Haphazard Creativity

I attended the Landmark Forum this weekend. It is coaching to create possibilities in my life. My endeavour with Aleatory Records and authenticity of my relationship with my mother (and other people in my life) were the main topics in my discussion during the forum. What is holding me back in both places?!

The coach mentioned being in the moment and asked for examples of what that means-- What frees up the mind and opens up thespontaneity andincidentalism of the moment. I spoke to the group that when I perform on the piano and when I zone out I create something new--something that is outside my comprehension. The moment I become self aware of what I am doing I loose touch with it and zone in.

Also when I perform I intentionally make accidents in the context that there are no such thing as accidents. The moment I take responsibility for the accident and make it something new it negates and becomes what I call cognitive chance.

With both I become a channeling from something greater, that being what I am which is more than what I can comprehend. It's like squeezing out a sponge that had become self absorbed...The sponge can not begin to comprehend it's contents until all that has been absorbed comes out so it can be observed and put into some context.

The squeezing of the sponge brings out the accidents, or better the bridging of concepts not yet realized. The environment plays a role as the foundation from which responses are reflected.

I did a film experiment onspontaneity and realized how easily things naturally come aligned (the relationships they share) when the camera (observer) is let be....that is free from effecting what it is filming. The film confirms what I have thought--that there is music everywhere as long as you don't become self aware. When you become self aware you begin to filter and control. I titled the film Synchronicity because of how it captured seemingly unrelated bodies sharing relationships that can be conjured when watching.

The metronomes of poly-rhythms (Poeme Symphonique by Gyorgy Ligeti) inspired me and I have included a bit of that when editing the film.

I did one ruff edit of the film back in 2002 and lost it in the mix. I was inspired to re-edit it just all day yesterday and day before after some of the stuff "Aleatory Joe" has shared with me. The Landscapes by John Cage he shared just reaffirms what meaning I am putting to all this aleatory arts.

Here is the film (Synchronicity):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m71qSWCzBg

A new word that I have re-discovered is Haphazard. I think of it as accidents that can be embraced.

A new horizon...

I've been out of my usual circle of things since having a paranoid confused episode a little over a year ago. I had gone from taking my meds all the time to not taking them at all.

My landlord freaked, so I ended up in a nursing home for about eight months then went to a group home.

Now I'm living with my parents and slowly moving back into the things that make life worthwhile.

I've been usually depressed and I discussed with my doctor. I asked him about Abilify and he said that he was just going about to recommend that.

I've been on Abilify for a week and I have noticed a increase in socialability and not so much feeling depressed when waking up. I'm also a little more enthusiastic about doing things.

If it wasn't for a flu, I'd be at the Auto show today, taking pictures.

I recently took some pr shoots for an up and coming punk rock band (Coma Boys):
http://jasonpage. zenfolio. com/p556147091

I know the band leader through the student paper at Oakton. He was Editor then and he is now studying political science at Loyola.

I haven't created any new music yet. I tried about four weeks ago and couldn't get in the grove. But I have started some work on the Aleatory Records website.

Take a look:
http://project. aleatoryrecords. com

Peace out,
Jason

Depression and Anxiety

I have made it through a tuff period of depression and anxiety. I found it tuff to stay in bed and to get out of bed. I would toss and turn and would feel a void at the pit of my stomach. My muscles had been tight and my appetite was at a loss. When taking my 4am medications I was not able to go back to sleep. I would also be constipated for six-seven days.

I was recently hospitalized for these conditions and put on a new medication, Clozapine. I no longer have the depression or anxiety and I now rest easy.

Tentative move out date is still August 1st to the Lawson YMCA. I still have yet to turn in the application and pay the $25 background check. I will do all that this comming week.

The Lawson house rooms come with a fridge, microwave, desk, dresser, bed and TV. I can receive mail and there are laundry facilities in the basement. I will be renting for the community bath. It costs an extra $50 to have a private bath. But I am not too worried about it.

Moving out Skokie Meadows #1

My case worker Jill has written letter of recommending discharge to my doctor based on my stability. I spoke to the doctor and he said to let him know when I am ready to leave.

I am seriously considering moving in to the Lawson YMCA and finish my education at UIC.
My friend Urmil said he had to retake some classes when transfering to UIC. Had he known he would have transfered to UIC much earlier. I think it is 30 credits from general ed that transfers.

Living at the "Y" all the resources I need are within blocks walking distance.

I will be taking groups at Turning Point in Skokie which is about three blocks from the Skokie Swift.

I also plan on finishing my photo class. My contact at Oakton, Ann Marie, is waiting for a treatment plan from Jill before I can finish and continue at Oakton. That treatment plan will be written after some progress has been made at Turning Point.

I plan on moving out at the beginning of August. My check arrives on the 3rd. The administrator, Ms Willey, said she would cash my check (my checks are in Skokie Meadows name) when it is time for me to leave.

Ms. Willey gave me some assurrance not to worry about payback for the days I stay past the 1st which rate is $110 a day.

I have discussed with my ex-roommate Sandy possibly having a yard sale at the house to get rid of a lot of stuff I otherwise would not have the space to keep at the "Y".

At Turning Point, I had been seeing an intern therapist. She has moved on two weeks ago and I am on a wait list to see another therapist. I am thinking whether I really need a therapist and possibly drop down to a case worker that monitors my progress in groups.

I will start groups on Mondays starting next week. Groups I will be taking are:
Critical thinking-philosophy, coping skills, art therapy and cook skills. The first two I hope will improve my social skills, art therapy will help me realize feelings at thoughts and cooking skills I'm taking just to keep me busy that day.

Peace Fest...

I have been offered the job as videographer for the Chicago Peace Fest in June. I maybe using my own DV camera. It's a 3CCD Panasonic.

I have also finished uploading pictures of the Michigan Peace Fest at http://jasonpage.zenfolio.com/p427731057

Other options...

I am now looking for other places to move in. Maestro Phil will be moving out to move in with his girl friend in August and I don't want to take the risk of moving in and ending up with nowhere to go.

I posted an ad on craigs list yesterday and already got three responses. Two of the replies are out of Oakton's district and the other did not provide much details.

Skokie Meadows #004 (Moving Out)

My Doctor will give me the green light to move out once he gets a note from my social worker Jill recommending it. I am almost finished transitional living group with social worker Debbie. So far she had me work out a budget and type of a lease.

I have already mapped out transportation to and from Oakton and to and from my outside group and therapist/doctor center Turning Point in Skokie. Both commutes require only two buses each way.

I spoke to Debbie about moving out on June 1st and she said that would be timely. My friend Maestro Phil will allow me to keep first months rent in the amount of $300 so that I may replace my lost camera. This way I can continue with the job I did last year: Photographing the Chicago's and Michigan's Peace Fests.